Top Five Homeless Signs


Picture by Casey Swafford

Casey begs for money.

By Casey Swafford, Staff Writer

We humans all have one thing in common; we are all greedy, money-driven beings who would do anything to fill our wallets with another measly dollar. Some use their jobs to fulfill their insatiable lust for money. Others, with less morals than others, use illegal methods to achieve more wealth. With so many ways to fulfill our deep, terrible desires, it can be quite daunting to choose our method of choice. There is, however, one practice that is looked over by many, which is without a doubt the best way to fill your pockets quickly. I am talking, of course, about good ol’ fashioned panhandling.

Millions of dollars a day are given to panhandlers searching for some extra pocket money. It is a complete gold mine ready for the taking. How can I take over and dominate the panhandling field, you may ask? It is simple, really: homeless signs! Every time I go outside, I see at least one homeless person carrying a sign that explains their disposition. Now, the fact that I live in an abandoned shopping cart in Walmart may make this a bit biased, but to h-e-double hockey sticks with proper statistics. I know what I am talking about.

Anyways, homeless signs! They grab not only heartstrings, but also many wallets. To make sure you lure in those good samaritans with ease, you need to make sure you have a good sign. Otherwise, you will rot away on the side of the road like Kevin Spacey’s career after those pedophile allegations. Also, claiming you’re gay will not make anything easier. You know what? Just avoid Kevin Spacey’s tactics all together, you would do far better. Without further adieu, the top five signs you should make that will grab people’s heartstrings and wallets.

  1.  The “I Got Kids To Feed” Sign

This sign is always a hit with the parents out there. On the sign, make sure you capitalize and bold the word “kid”, like so: “Help I got a KID to feed.” Now, you may think that sounds a little sketchy — because it is. Since we are in high school, we are not supposed to have kids. To get away with this sign without lying (you have to stay good with my main man in the sky), you have to be indirect. You are not saying that you have to feed your children; you are only stating that you need to feed “a” kid. Since we all act like it, I believe we can pull that off. Also, a side warning, this may attract unwanted attention from people.

  1. The “Turn or Burn” sign

Now, I will admit, I do not understand what the sign specifically gets at. I heard some guy rambling about “pressing forward despite the past” or something important like that. However, I do notice that it gets plenty of attention, especially when the users of these signs are equipped with megaphones, increasing chances of being noticed by tenfold!  

  1.  The “I Will Do Anything For Money” Sign

This sign is really big with the memes of today. All over the internet, you will see people with these signs doing all sorts of degrading and embarrassing things for money. You have the classic from 2006 with the homeless man with a golden voice, and more recent ones like “Fat Black Guy Dancing.” You will quickly become a sensation while also filling up that endless pocket of yours.    

  1.  The “Long Story” Sign

This sign is for the crafty and creative ones. This sign always has a long and sad story attached to it. “Wife took everything” is the most common of these sad stories. This sign is also perfect if you are one of the depressed seekers of fortune.  

  1. The “Honest” Sign

Just give it to them straight. Are you just doing this for a free movie ticket? Trying to pay off student loans?  Tell them the whole thing. No lies, just pure, concentrated self pity. The thing is, people love to indulge in pity, like how my parents threw away their hopes and dreams of me becoming a handsome doctor. Just say how disgustingly sad your life is and how you are going to waste the money you are about to be given. Say hello to the big bucks!