China: Turning a Country into a Videogame

By Ashhab Ibrahim, Staff Writer

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(DISCLAIMER: anything said here that seems serious, is definitely not. This article is purely satire and shouldn’t be taken as more than such. If I disappear, all my belongings go to my cats. Chinese Gov. please don’t wipe me off the earth, it’s a joke)

What if you took one of the biggest economic powerhouses, with a staggering population of 1.4 billion and a territory covering 9.6 million square miles, and tossed it into one very large episode of Black Mirror? Well, President Xi Jinping is going to help us answer that question as a new “social credit system” will be implemented by 2020. This essentially subjects the population of China to the new value of good boy points, or social credit score. Let’s say you accidentally j-walked on the way to the airport after being dropped off by your shuttle, and the Chinese Yakuza- err… FBI sees you while using their facial recognition towers disguised as air quality sensor towers. As you go through customs, you are turned away because of your low social credit score. You leave the airport and call for a taxi, but the taxi denies you a seat in his carriage, demanding that you must ride in the trunk because of your low social credit score.

Along with this, your personal information, location, case number, and home address are posted on the Chinese equivalent of “WhatsApp.” The public pins you as a delinquent and punishes you for those extra 10 seconds you shaved off by j-walking. 

Along with this comes the alleged facial recognition towers that monitor protest activity and identifies enemies of the state. I swear, I’m not making this stuff up. So, the solution to this problem is, of course, taking down these supposed eyes of Sauron with an electric buzzsaw. The surrounding protestors will carry umbrellas on that hot day, so that the government doesn’t see who’s taking down the towers.

On second thought, maybe we should take a page or two out of China’s book and integrate it into our community for the greater good. Set up surveillance towers to monitor the myriad of illegality that’s going on in Division St. Implement a social credit score for irresponsible teens, disabling them from vital factors necessary to teenage life. Implement some real discipline in the old AV.  Then we turn into a totalitarian state and march on the capital to gain government control. Then, to make our war debts heal, we can pawn off personal information down to the credit card number. Then we can transition into a communist country and fall. What wonderful times…

 

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