This is it. This is the end of our school life as we know it. The raccoons have begun their conquest on Quartz Hill High School, and now there is no going back.We must prepare ourselves for the worst, as none of us will be able to stand up against these incredible beings.

The first attack occurred earlier this week. The perpetrator was discovered in the back room of classroom 304. While some students were canoodling in the back room for a project, they heard some noises. Curious, they went to investigate, and what they saw terrified them. They tore out of the room like a crowd does when security comes to stop a fight to tell Mrs. Martinez that everything was “Not Okay.” Upon hearing this news, more students rushed to see what could have broken into the room. A few minutes later, it was confirmed by the group that this creature was, in fact, a raccoon, whose name has been redacted for confidentiality.

This was no peaceful animal, however. If Raccoon City was a person, this would be it. It ferociously attacked boxes and books, knocking them off cabinets like they were a political cartoon of the opposing ideology. Security was called in to catch the attacker, but even their brute strength was not enough to seize the animal in an easy manner. It ran around the room, growling and scratching.

We lost two men that day, bless their souls, before the raccoon was captured. The trial against the raccoon will be held next week, and it is believed to be the most anticipated case since OJ Simpson. It was originally supposed to take place on the 24th of May, but it was rescheduled so the airing did not interfere with the two-hour finale of Survivor.

While it was being taken away, I got to ask the raccoon if it believed it would be indicted and if the rest of its posse will come. Unfortunately, it just responded with angry raccoon noises, and if you do not know what that sounds like, just know that it is terrifying. We still do not know the whereabouts of the rest of its gang, so we must be prepared to fight, as we do not know if or when they will strike next. Some of us may perish, but this is a battle that must be fought, not only for us, but for the whole human race.