Quartz Hill High School students are shocked as they witness the opening of a new era. For the first time in Quartz Hill history, the bathrooms are all spotlessly clean.

Reliable sources have leaked that the bathrooms are not clogged with toilet paper and towels. There are no suspicious fluids slushing on the floor. Brown spots and explicit graffiti are noticeably absent from the bathroom walls. Many are amazed that the odd “skunk” smells no longer assault students’ noses as they do their business.

This cleanliness has even sparked a social media trend. Senior Rayen Strasser-King said, “The new trend is people record themselves eating off of the bathroom floor.”

The bathroom sanitariness is all a result of the Non-Aggression Bowel Movement Treaty signed between students and janitors on March 26, 2018. Neither have yet violated the terms of this treaty, as students have prevented their messy companions from entering the bathrooms. ASB has designated patrols to monitor bathroom usage, cracking down on vandals.

Further, the prices of fluids, such as water, have risen 150% to discourage superfluous drinking. Five students have suffered severe dehydration, but the administration refused to call for help. They didn’t want to give them attention, urging these students to “toughen up.”

There are sacrifices to be made, but students have adapted to meet the demands of a fluid-deficient diet. Senior Michael Wood has developed a respiratory adaptation of gills. He uses these to convert moisture in the air into enough water to keep his bodily functions operating until exactly 2:53 PM.

Although some students are disappointed by the lack of water, they are all happy to sacrifice this important factor of existence for clean bathrooms. If they aren’t, the ASB patrol will change their opinion by force.

Sadly, this is all a farce. The bathrooms are still filthy. Students suffering from dehydration refuse to drink in order to avoid entering the pigsties. April Fool’s!