2016: The Year Is a Lie

   When you think of the year 2016, what pops up in your mind? The presidential address? Rioting throughout America? Memes? Well, a majority of people who answered this question usually responded with the typical, “Oh my god, it sucked. It was the worst year of my life, I absolutely hated it!”

   Well, what would you say if I told you 2016 was not actually a terrible year. Rather, it was riddled with lies and cover-ups by the accursed government to make you think it was bad. What if everything you knew this year was a lie?  If we are being honest here, most of you would probably state the earlier mentioned quote and then proceed to lower all of your fingers besides the middle one and somehow bring up how the fascist patriarchy of Trump’s America will doom us all. Well guess what buckaroos? 2016 was not bad at all, that is just what the government wants you to think.

   Many of you probably remember the infamous shooting of Harambe the Gorilla, and as I remember, many were devastated because of his death. However, Harambe is not actually dead; he is alive! On the internet, all videos of Harambe end exactly when he goes around a corner in the habitat with the child, but where did he go after that? Supposedly, he was shot and killed, but I know otherwise. Considering there is no evidence of a shot actually occurring, many throughout the internet community believe that Harambe was NOT actually killed. There is no proof that an autopsy ever took place either!

After searching every corner of the internet, I found files that suggested the Russians faked Harambe’s tragic death. Why you ask? It is obvious, with the intense, international race to land humanson Mars, Russia wanted to send an animal into space as a test to see if they could indeed land a gorilla on Mars. It is not the first time Russia has sent animals into space. So with their hands on Harambe, the Russians sent him to Mars. Here is proof. This photo was leaked from a “top secret file” from the Pentagon, and it was taken just a week ago from the Mars Curiosity Rover. Look closely … what do you see? That is right, Harambe is alive on Mars.

After seeing this I began to think, “Why Harambe? Why this specific Gorilla?” Then, it hit me; this was not only a stepping stone for Russia in the space race, but it was an attack on American pride. You see, in the first year of George W. Bush’s term as president, Bush and a team of genetic engineers formed the perfect gorilla in an operation with the code name: Donkey Kong Country. This Gorilla was a testament to American genetic engineering. However, this infuriated the Russians. They wanted to take this gorilla down, but they could not touch it. So they waited to take their revenge, and sending Harambe to Mars was their way of doing it. You see, this gorilla was Harambe’s mother! Here is proof. Kidnapping and sending Harambe, the son of the perfect gorilla, to be a puppet of Russian science was a slap on the face to America and its people. So, the American government responded by launching a covert war against Russia; however, the soldiers of this war were our dear celebrities.

   Prince, David Bowie, Muhammad Ali, Gene Wilder, Carrie Fisher – they were all casualties in the war.  Do you not think it is just odd how all of our favorite, old celebrities just kicked the bucket in the same year? Is it not also strange how Russia lost many celebrities last year? Natalya Krachkovskaya, an actress who played many characters in comedies. Fazil Iskander, a Soviet and Russian writer. Pavel Sheremet, a famous journalist. Yuri Butyrin, artist who was the creator of Russian classics such as “Малыш и Карлсон”, “Вовка в тридевятом царстве”, and “Незнайка на Луне.”, and many more.

   There are also all of the shootings and riots that have happened throughout America in the past year. They are all cover-ups by the government to keep this war a secret from you. All of the pain and sadness throughout this entire year, all because of one gorilla. So next time you want to say that 2016 was a year of absolute garbage, remember 2016 for what it truly was: a secret war between Russia and America over a dead meme.