Wait … Is that Food?


Picture by Casey Swafford

DISCLAIMER: This article is satirical and written for comedy. There is no proof that the school lunch is harmful in any way.

  Food, it is something we have everyday, and enjoy. Well, except children in poorer countries, but that is a topic for another day. Today, we are going to talk about the abomination known as the school’s lunch food. It is gross, slimy, and frozen garbage thrown into an oven before school. Many people have even speculated that school food is not even safe for us to eat. Students of Quartz Hill High School: I implore you to stop eating this food, because if you do, I am willing to bet that you will have a bad case of stomach cancer in a couple of years.

   Now, as someone who has the school food from the speedy serve daily, I know what I am talking about. The cheeseburgers are absolutely garbage, the cheese is the equivalent of melted plastic, painted yellow. Not to mention, the meat tastes like it was overcooked in a microwave. My grandmother with alzheimer’s could do a better job at making food than that. Do not even get me started on the pizza, it is hideous. I cannot even believe the “cheese” on the pizza is cheese. There is nothing I can think of for comparison; it is just disgusting. I am legitimately afraid to try and find out what the “cheese” is. I feel if I looked into the “cheese,” it would turn out to be something like the skin from killed rats in the school. They probably just wrap it in plastic, boil it, and throw it on the pizza or something crazy like that.

  Have you ever had the little pizza packets? The stuff they cheaply make similar to hot pockets? Well, for the love of god, please do not try it. Whatever the chemical paste is on the inside, it is shrouded in mystery. It tastes like cardboard was lit on fire, then snuffed out with clorox.

  Did I mention that the only drinks they serve in the speedy serve is milk? Healthy, right? I mean, it is not like water is important or anything. We definitely only need the sugar filled milk that they offer. No wonder so many people in America are obese.

  Now, despite my ruthless insults against the school food, they do have some healthy options. For example, they have a limited amount of salads, apples, and raisins that run out quickly. Go Quartz Hill! Getting kids to eat healthy since 1969.

  I really would not recommend that people eat this if they had a choice. I have no choice, which is why I eat it. However, if you have a option, do not eat the “food.” Just save yourself. The food is disgusting, and it is probably responsible for me getting sick multiple times my freshman year. However, I have built an immunity to it now, so it is not too bad. For everyone else, please, do not be like me. Respect your bodies, and do not eat the food. Run before it gives you stomach cancer.