I pray that this message reaches the right hands. By the time you read this, I will likely be in Antelope Valley’s Maximum Security Detainment Facility.

I have made a terrible mistake. It started off as an interest, then it became a hobby, and now, it is something incredibly dangerous. I have hacked into the Antelope Valley Union High School District’s security infrastructure, and now control 7 windmills and 14 cows. I stopped myself before I was able to take any more horses or sheep.

It all started in class one day, when someone said to me that they thought it was impossible to hack from a Mac. While it is true that Macs are terrible and inferior to PC in every way, it is definitely possible to hack into a windmill from them. And so I did. I began to take interest in what I saw, from test answers and curricula all the way to secret data on Joshua trees, which are mathematically the ugliest trees on the globe.

Now it becomes classified: I have accessed secret files that should never be opened, regardless of the occasion. One such file explained the details of Mayor R. Rex Parris’ life, and that was not something I would have liked to see.

At this point, you may be wondering what I did with the 7 windmills and the 14 cows. But, worry not, I will explain. The 7 windmills are to fuel my supercomputer with 1,000,000,000 TB of space on its hard drive and 5,000,000 TBs of RAM and a 16-core i12 processor. You may be wondering what those numbers mean, but I am not going to explain them. If you do not know what they mean, then you are not the person I want reading this letter. All you need to know is that those numbers are high. And why do they need to be so high? To play Club Penguin and Minecraft smoothly. That’s right – with that supercomputer, I will become the greatest Minecraft player while everyone else is lagging on their slow computers.

Okay, back to the issue at hand … where are the 14 cows I took control of? To that, I respond, “I do not know.” I merely took them for the sake of taking them. Did you think I had a goal when I took 14 cows?

This is the last I will write. I think the government is onto my trail. I found several cacti in my backyard today. I am being watched. Send help. I am receiving suspicious emails that contain nothing but sand. This is frightening. Send help. The government is onto me. I hear a knock on my door, someone is entering. He is approaching me. HELP. HELEJIfhoshovprdbpkftn[oyjoknppyk