Late-Night Shopping at Walmart


By Sophie Mbela, Staff Writer

WALMART… the land of the ratchet. There really is no other store like it. First of all, it literally sells everything. And, when I say everything, I mean E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. You can go in with no agenda in mind, but come out with your very own Nemo, a bacon-scented pillow, and if you look really hard, some Paula Dean-approved butter! Now tell me, what other store has a 99.9991% chance that you’ll find all the obscure things you need? None. That’s the beauty Walmart.

Despite Walmart being a household necessity, it really is not appropriate for kids, or our innocent, teenage minds. This store has the ability to turn you into a “Walmart-compilations” shopper. You leave the house normally, but as you get closer and closer to Walmart, your whole personality changes. Is it something in the water? Or is the Illuminati at work once again? Whatever it is, Walmart has got some type of black magic aura.

So, I recently came back from a late-night shopping trip at Walmart, and by recently, I literally mean like 8 minutes ago. I swear on Donald Trump’s “hair” that Walmart started messing with my mind before I even left the house. I usually dress in something respectable before I go out into society; however, this time I put on some dirty pajamas and ripped flip flops. I was looking like a mess, aka a true Walmartian. My hair was crazy, and my eyes were red. My breath stank, and my skin was super ashy. But, did I care? No, because the true Walmartian spirit had taken over me. I was ready to be on one of World Star Hip Hop’s Walmart compilations, or “ratchet shoppers” compilations to be more precise.

Driving to Walmart was an experience. Imagine a crazy-looking teenager with extremely bad driving skills. Yup, that was me. I was driving like a Nascar driver. I swerved in and out of traffic, passed multiple red lights, and cursed at countless grannies. It was a weird feeling. It was like I had this burning need to reach Walmart. When I finally reached the parking lot, I felt at ease. I felt like the epitome of ASMR.

Candy was the first thing on my mind. I needed some chocolate, but not just any chocolate. I needed some OG chocolate. The ones that had been around for centuries like Hershey’s. I got my candy and it was $10!!! I was fuming. Fortunately, Walmart was able to distract me with its superb advertising, so I ended up getting some gold chains and hospital diapers. I was feeling like a BOSS. The whole store was mine. Can I push my cart out of the way? NO! Can I stop taking things out of your cart? NO! Can I stop acting like an unclassy savage? HECK NO!

Security ended up kicking me out for some stupid reason. They called it “rowdy behavior.” I was shocked. Oh well, they just couldn’t handle my FIRE. Anyway, these rough security guards pushed me out like I was some sort of animal or something. They didn’t even take my goodies away, so I got them for free. Cheating the system like a true Walmartian.

The highlight of my Walmart trip came in the form of a woman and a car. Being my super Walmartian self, as I was backing out of the parking lot, I almost ran this woman over! She literally bounced back like some sort of Big Sean song. And you know what I did? I got the heck out of there. SKRR SKRR