Slaying the Patriarchy


Picture by Sophie Mbela

By Sophie Mbela, Staff Writer

January 20th, 2018 will mark the first day of the matriarchal insurgence. Women have been preparing the revolution for years now with covert ways of sending our troops into the thick of battle. Women have posed as soccer moms, PTA presidents, bake-sale nazis, and last but definitely not least – the dreaded school teachers.

These brave women have been infiltrating the patriarchy through dirty laundry, disgusting -gag- children. We’ve had to put up with men’s overall stupidity. We’ve bitten our tongues, holding back the power of Oprah Winfrey and Cersei Lannister with every insult and injury, as we knew our time to revolt would come.

Now, the fruits of our labor are ready to harvest.

We will stop seasoning our food (though some of us were unable to do this from the beginning – that means you Karen). We will no longer bear children until all of the leaders of the patriarchy die, and we are left only with the superiors. We will take back everything women invented that are CRUCIAL to the patriarchy for ourselves.

Beer is an invention that men have stolen from us, and claiming to “crack open cold ones with the boys” was actually derived from women “throwing back a cool one with the girls.” See how the Patriarchy lies!

Dishwashers! We created them, as men were so frail and weak to withstand the scalding temperatures needed to truly abolish the germs from our silverware. We grew so annoyed that we, as the benevolent beings we are, had to take pity on the poor creatures that are men.

And chocolate chip cookies! I must admit, these were created for good, a reward for all that we’ve done for the human race, but hey – what’s the use of being a woman if you can’t even savor chocolate for yourself? Can we not have anything for ourselves? Sure, it’s a bit indulgent at times, but that is exactly why we need it in the dire times that we have to put up with the Patriarchy’s bull manure.

I have one more bomb to drop along with this mic here and the jaws of the people reading this. The next time a “man” drones on and on, whining about how men are much better drivers than women, remind them that a woman designed the first ever car heater, while males like Henry Ford lacked the insight to think of how a metal box full of people would perform in the winter. Kudos to you, Ford, one of the many men lacking SO much common sense that women have had to clean every one of your works for you … a great man really.

So, if you are a woman with a brain, join the revolution. You will never be told “I fell asleep while I was waiting on you to make me a sandwich” from a man who can go back to sleep and starve.