Disclaimer: The details in this article are incredibly stupid. Don’t follow the example shown in this article. Stay smart kids.

Saturday afternoon: a time for me to stuff my face with food and binge watch YouTube videos. However, my plans were foiled last week. I don’t exactly know why I’m always involved in stupid situations, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been cursed. Anyway, this is the story of how I locked myself out of my car…again.

Saturday morning was filled with productive vibes. I had finished most of my weekend homework and got around to cleaning my room. Plus, everything was looking extra beautiful that day. The AV bushes were looking extra decrepit and dry, and the wind was bone-chilling. This was the perfect environment for me to go to my favorite “Chinese” restaurant and the only one I know of… Panda Express.

I got into my car with my mouth already salivating. I could smell the Beijing Beef from my driveway. With the help of the gas pedal and my amazing driving skills, I arrived at Panda Express in 0.5 seconds. Everything went smoothly except for the incredibly awkward customer-worker exchange and the fact that I hit the curb as I was turning in the drive-thru. But hey, I never said I was an amazing driver.

I was in a great mood as I drove home. Cardi B was playing in the background and my Panda Express baby was in the passenger seat. Let’s just say that I was feeling like a bigger BOSS than Meek Mill. So I decided that I would be a good daughter and pick up the mail on my way home. *Important tidbit: the mailbox is literally 4 houses away from my home.*

Fast forward 0.9 seconds and I was NASCAR parking my car right next to the mailbox. Usually, I’ll leave the car on with the driver’s door open when I pick up the mail, but this day I decided that I’d turn the car off and lock the doors in order to protect my Beijing Beef baby. WORST DECISION EVER! I told myself to make sure to take the keys with me, but I left them on the passenger seat! UGHHH

With the mail in my hands, I had to stand there and reevaluate my life decisions. Not to mention my neighbors were staring at me, so I decided to book it home. It was so embarrassing. I feel like all my neighbors and their ancestors were judging me. That was definitely the longest five feet that I’ve ever had to walk. It felt like I was completely defenseless for 3,600 seconds. Anyway, I finally got home and called the first emergency number I could think of – my mom. At this time, I was extremely hangry. First off, I was stupid enough to leave the keys inside the car; but most importantly, I wanted my PANDA EXPRESS! Unfortunately, my mom told me to wait for my dad to come home so he could call AAA, but I was not having that. I was gonna take matters into my own hands.

I needed to break the car’s window. That was the first thought that popped into my head, but then I realized that I was way smarter than that. So I went to my next emergency number – Youtube. I instantly typed “How to break into a car,” and a million results popped up. In 0.7 seconds I was walking the 5 feet to my car with a hammer, metal rod, and hanger. I’m sure that I looked super suspicious but my Beijing Beef baby was getting cold and I was determined to save it.

The first step into breaking into a car that YOU OWN is to pull the door handle. And you know what’s crazy? As I pulled the door handle, I realized that the car was open THE ENTIRE TIME! SMH.