As some of you may know, the current editor in chief, Cody Wilson, is preparing to step down from his seat of totalitarian rule. Since these are his last days in power, now is the time to reflect on his “contributions” to the journalistic society that the majority of Quartz Hill is ignorant of. However, before you can look at the list of “accomplishments” during Cody’s reign, we must ask ourselves, do we really know who Cody is? Before you can judge a man by his actions, you must first get to know who he is. Only then can you truly understand what he has done. So, ask yourself, what makes up the mind of that tiny, little fella? Well, get ready, because here is the true story of Cody Wilson.  

It all began the summer before freshman year. I was sipping a nice fruit punch Capri-sun when Cody’s hand appeared and slapped it out of my hand. He demanded that I paid more attention to the whiteboard where he had his master plan of dominating Quartz Hill. According to his plan, his first step was to have the school newspaper “in the palm of his hands.” From there, he would slowly turn the people of the school from their happy, carefree lives, into lives of discontent and hatred.

He would then rally the malice filled students and start a coup that would place Cody as the principal of the school and coincidentally at the top of his class. Once we arrived at the school for the first time, however, Cody came to a painful realization. Nobody reads the newspaper. Cody flew into a panic, how on earth could he rally the masses to his whim if they were not blindly following the media? After many hours of yelling at me and lowering my self-esteem, Cody had hit the jackpot. He had discovered that rather than flocking to the newspaper for proper brainwashing, students had adapted and started using apps like Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat to fulfill their pitiful needs. He then realized that he himself must adapt to the new ways of the youth and set his new, more diabolical plan into motion. He would still infiltrate and control journalism, but this time he would force the long-forgotten media outlet to change with the times. He would make the newspaper into a news website. With that, the fate of QHHS would be once again in his grasp.  

After much bloodshed and dirty journalism politics, Cody managed to become the Editor-in-Chief and force the Ubiquity to change. He even had an Instagram account to finally complete the transition of a proper mind controlling platform. However, despite Cody’s determination and ambition, his plans did not come to fruition. After making the Ubiquity more accessible and flashy, Cody failed to account for how little high schoolers cared about their surroundings. Without the constant nagging of journalists forcing papers upon nearby students in the mornings, people completely forgot about the existence of the Ubiquity. So, instead of an army of mindless high schoolers, Cody actually increased the ignorance of the school by tenfold. So when you ask yourself, “What did Cody Wilson do to help the school?”, just remember this: he made a cool website and a school incomprehensibly ignorant.