It’s that time of the year again when AP and IB students are feeling extremely chill and laid back. Actually, I lied. We’re all freaking out because AP and IB exams are right around the corner, and we can feel the inevitable LOSS we are about to take. I guess studying hardcore every night does not guarantee an automatic 5 on the May exams. But, who cares? It’s about time that people find out about the LIES AP and IB have been spewing to our young and innocent minds!

Both programs are complete scams! They hide beneath the guise that they allow brilliant young minds to take rigorous classes in order to gain college credits, but all they want is our parents’ hard earned money. If they really cared about high school students preparing for college, then all of the exams would be FREE, a very important concept that is mysteriously absent from all of this AP/IB propaganda and our lives in general.

Want to know something outrageous? Neither program guarantees college credit! And, yeah, I know that someone who failed all of their AP/IB exams will not be getting any college credit; however, what about the student that scores a 5 on all of their exams? Of course, they receive all of the college credit that they worked hard for and begin college as a sophomore, right? WRONG! That’s all a lie. Some colleges do not even accept any kind of AP/IB credit. So, why would these programs advertise such a thing? Why would they raise our hopes and force us to choose between Netflix and school?? That’s because they are trying to control us!

All of these programs that advertise a rigorous curriculum and college credits are FAKES! The main reason they prey on students is because they want to control our minds and take our money (never forget about that important part). They want to turn every student into someone that follows rules and thinks inside the box. They want to turn brilliant students into adults that can conform with societal ideals. They all want us to be working for McDonald’s instead of establishing our own hugely successful fast-food restaurant. They want us to market Kardashian/Jenner merchandise instead of us living the Kardashian/Jenner life. As you can see, these programs are messing with our innovative brains in order to transform us into robots!

Many people say that robots are taking all of our jobs, and the truth is…they are. Robots are way more efficient, work longer, and cost less than a human being. I’m just kidding. The truth is that we are the robots. Everyone is so afraid of the mechanical, sci-fi bots, but these programs are turning us into lifeless machines that will do whatever is necessary to “succeed” on the playground and in life.

The next time you see another Barron’s book or an IB Biology study guide, make sure to rip it to shreds and burn it! We will no longer be slaves to the system. From now on, I say NO to the AP/IB oppression! I say NO to studying over binge-watching Youtube! I will once again become my innocent self, like when I began this whole AP/IB scam!!!

Also, it’s important to remember that Schmoop and Khan Academy are great tools when studying for the AP/IB exams. In fact, you can also get free practice exams on College Board. Just looking out for y’all. Make sure to study hard and ace every single exam!