Quartz Hill New Security Procedures

By Tyler Sinness, Staff Writer

In a new move, Principal Zach Mercier announced the school’s plan to increase security measures even farther than the measures that have been taken over the past year. “We’re very excited for this new chapter in this pris- erm, I mean, school’s history,” the principal announced in a statement, “Beginning next year, new security measures will be implemented into the school, such as the use of barbed wire fencing and a biometric ID system.” The new measures would further protect students from the threat of a school shooter, in light of the lack of laws passed at the federal level to effectively reduce the threat of gun violence, even as the threat continues to rise in American schools.

“We’re especially excited about the watchtowers,” Mr. Mercier added, “Twenty feet high, with your trusted security guards in the nest. I wouldn’t want to be caught on Clyde’s watch if you’re sneaking back in on phony lunch privileges.”

Entering the school will soon have new precautions as well. Each student will have to perform a series of tests to prove the validity of their student identification. First, one must scan their right hand and right eye by a biometric scanner. Then, students must speak into an all-new voice recognition software (the funds for which were allocated from the budget for textbooks). Finally, every student must cite the alma mater by heart. If any of these tests are failed, the student will be escorted off campus, where they will promptly be handed a truancy ticket for missing class.

Parents and visitors will be required, upon entering the switchboard, to receive a pat down from a security guard before entering the premises, only to be escorted by said security guard throughout the campus. No visitors are permitted to make physical contact with students in fear that illicit items might be transferred, such as the infamous bagged lunch, which was already banned from entering campus through the switchboard this year.

The administration also planned to increase the severity of on-campus detention, renaming the program to the On-Campus Detention Center, complete with iron-barred holding cells and bunk beds. The Mock Trial team will decide the fate of every student sentenced to On-Campus Detention, ruling on how many days, months, or years they must remain in holding.

“Oh, and, if you could call me Warden instead of Principal, that would be great,” Mr. Mercier added.

Some students have complained about the plan, realizing that there would no longer be a place to hop the fence. Happy April Fools!