It’s come to my attention that we have a disease running rampant at QHHS (no, it isn’t the flu!) and as your friendly neighborhood Shruth, it’s my duty to report it. No one sees this condition coming–but once it takes you, you’re gone. Only a few can escape from its dark clutches, and when they return to us, they are changed. No external treatments seem to work, not even Mr. Herman’s rallying cry against the condition. The threat of getting smacked by Señora Vital’s chancla isn’t enough either. A certain sect of high schoolers are affected–but as the years progress, everyone succumbs to the debilitating disease one way or another. 

The disease is called senioritis. Those who suffer from the constant stress of college applications, homework, and tests seem to be the most susceptible: the disease likes to prey on the weakened and fatigued. Those who are quite relaxed in school are likely to develop it as well: the condition spares no one. 

The progression of symptoms can be summed up in a five-step cycle. During the first stage, the patient is healthy and functioning. This is usually seen during the first few weeks of school, when teachers are lenient and different activities like Senior Sunrise and three-day weekends are able to occupy the patient’s mind. The second stage is quite slow in its progression, but the deadliest. As the workload increases, the patient finds the sharp increase of stress to be an unwelcome addition, and slowly starts to lag behind. One assignment turned late becomes another assignment missing. The third stage is the breaking point: the harsh realization about college and determining the rest of your life sets in, and the patient is on their way to crying, several tabs of ‘How to write college apps’ open on their computer. The fourth stage occurs in a span of a few months, from November to January. This is the time when the patient picks themselves back up and holds it together for a limited amount of time, just to get their grades up and get their college applications in. DO NOT BOTHER THE PATIENT DURING THIS TIME PERIOD. This is their grind time. It’s easily the most important part of the cycle. 

Now, the fifth stage can progress in two ways. Either the patient relaxes with the burden of college off their shoulders (well, until March) and does their work like a good student, or the student thinks that they’re done and completely slacks off for the rest of the second semester. The latter stage five is ARMAGEDDON. Do not allow any patients to progress down this path: severe consequences may occur. 

Never fear. I’ve got a solution. For an all-time low price of $59999.00, I’ll give you the cure to senioritis! My package includes a no-procrastination perfume, a ‘Vines that my Sleep Paralysis Demon Approved’ compilation, and clear skin! But wait! If you order now, I’ll throw in 2000’s playlist on Spotify! You heard me! A playlist on Spotify! Order and take advantage of this great deal now!