How to Survive a Nuclear Apocalypse!

By Emma “Monty” Montesdeoca, Staff Writer

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The destruction of the human race and society by nuclear bombs is all but inevitable, considering the international political climate and the fact that the United States president is ready to press that good ol’ red button of death. If and when that time comes, instead of relying on the knowledge and tips of a certain nuclear apocalypse game, follow my simple survival guide to withstand this harsh wasteland…place…thing. 

The first and most important thing to do after the big “kaboom” is not to get water, or food, or to stock up on the living essentials. Rather it’s to find the deepest, darkest hole in your yard, dig it out a few more feet, and to hide your favorite candies in a time capsule. This way, when you’re on your last breath and are slowly dying of radiation poisoning, you can just eat your favorite sweet one last time. Then whoever finds your lifeless corpse can also enjoy some sweet treats as well!

The second most important thing to do after the nuclear apocalypse begins is to find the largest group of people you can and train them in guerilla tactics to become one of the most fearsome and cruel pack of survivors. You can’t just assume you would be the only group because teams of coworkers, lunch ladies, and even teachers will work together to overcome the harsh realities of doomsday. Working with a group of people, especially scary and most likely psychotic people, can help bolster your chances for survival. Unless those said people decide to cook you for a nice, tasty dinner. Or maybe a snack. Or for tea and crumpets. In any case, joining a group of people is your absolute best bet. And if you’re feeling especially in a nice mood, you can even share that time capsule candy!

The last, and by far the most vital, step to take once the onset of nuclear winter falls upon the world, IS TO MURDER EVERYONE. How hard would it be to win at life and to survive in a desolate world when everyone who could cause you trouble is six feet underground? Or not, that works too. 

This article is entirely humourous and none of these steps should actually be taken into account when planning your own survival guide for the end of the world, which is only drawing closer and closer. Although, the more you know, and the more you’re open to, especially when pushed the absolute limit. So go out there, survive that apocalypse, and make sure to keep that candy safe and secure!

 

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