How Not To End Up In A Trash Can

How Not To End Up In A Trash Can

By Emma “Monty” Montesdeoca, Staff Writer

Instead of a trash can, sometimes the world makes us feel like a trash-cannot. And, sometimes, that same world ends up dunking you like a basketball into the closest waste bin or provides the urge to become a human version of Oscar the Grouch. In order to avoid the company of old cafeteria food and single-use plastic straws, here is a two step guide on how not to end up in a trash can. 

The first step, and by far the hardest, is to avoid any type of trash can. This effectively keeps you away from the evil urge to dive headfirst into the earth-killing, one-use rubbish collectors or from being thrown into one by random highschoolers. Some ways to avoid these demon cans have been proven to work (almost) every time. The most common and simple way is to become a ninja. Ninjas can avoid any obstacle, enemy, or sneaky trash can. In addition to learning to avoid trash cans, you also gain the very prized ability to avoid annoying people who want to have annoying conversations! 

An alternative method is to destroy all the trash cans. While some may think that  this method is a little extreme, the logic behind it is sound. There is no need to learn to avoid trash cans if all of them meet their fiery doom. These are just two of 765,656 ways to avoid trash cans.  

After you effectively learn to avoid trash cans, or burn them in an incinerator depending on the path you choose, you must learn to resist the call of trash can. The call is different for everyone. For some, they choose to embrace it, calling the trash can home, or “me.” This type of thinking will leave a person in a trash can, without any doubt. Others feel the need to dunk sacrifices into trash cans, either to appease their own gods or to pass the school year. To avoid the call of the can, you must start speaking in food related puns. Studies have shown that those who suffer from the call of the trash can and speak only in food related puns began to associate less with the trash can and more with random foods such as beans, potatoes, and the occasional Taco Bell Toasted Cheddar Chalupa Taco. For those who sacrifice people to the trash can, totally real doctors and scientists recommend to stay away from people and work on those slam-dunking tendencies.

Those pesky trash cans seem to plague society, and sometimes it’s hard to not end up in one of them with the leftover enchiladas, but for those who suffer from trashcannotitis, this two step guide can help. For those who suffer, there are options that will help you in your journey to stay out of the trash cans and on into those good old secret pun societies.