In a new move, Principal Zach Mercier announced the school’s plan to increase security measures even farther than the measures that have been taken over the past year. “We’re very excited for this new chapter in this pris- erm, I mean, school’s history,” the principal announced in a statement, “Beginning next ye...

“Hear ye! Hear ye! Listen as I speak of the tyranny of the Ubiquity! The liars and deceivers who call themselves the editors of the school newspaper, that the majority of the school doesn’t know exists, have crossed the last line. These false idols, these fabulists whose only goal is to make a quick buck, are trying to des...