The Ubiquity

Government Shutdown Picnic Party (w/ Danny Devito) *NOT CLICKBAIT*

Picture by Ashhab Ibrahim

Picture by Ashhab Ibrahim

By Ashhab Ibrahim, Assistant Editor

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As of right now, it is February 5th, 2018, and we still don’t have flying cars. But, we are facing the risk of a government shutdown, so at least we have that going for us. A government shutdown, by dictionary definition, is “when non-essential discretionary federal programs close.” In words that people can actually understand, that means if the government doesn’t make money laws, the government doesn’t get money.

Government workers don’t go to work because, well, they’re not being paid for it. As a big ol’ plus, all national parks are closed, and active veterans and members of the military aren’t paid. Stay classy, Washington. People wonder, or at least I do: what do government workers do on CIA-free days? I’d like to think that they all go to some silly, obscure hidden pub within the deepest part of Area 51.

Maybe they’re just sitting on their alien leather stools drinking super soldier formula shots with Walt Disney’s severed head as their bartender while spreading rumors about the nuclear launch codes. Nah, that’s too normal for the government. They’re probably giving guns to an isolated island tribe who hasn’t discovered fire, and letting them go nuts like it is Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Or, maybe they’re just giving them the flu and seeing how long it’ll take to wipe out their people since they haven’t discovered antibiotics yet.

This government shutdown wasn’t even supposed to happen in the first place. Papa Trump promised, but now he’s threatening to shut us down if his immigration demands aren’t met. It’s like a PG-rated hostage situation, really. Trump is like a child who threatens to scream if his mom (the GOP) doesn’t get him a toy.

As of now, it’s uncertain whether the GOP’s going to follow Trump’s demands or not. They’re probably having a picnic on the White House grounds with Danny Devito and various other actors of legendary status. Pass the pasta, Pence! After their 5-course meal, they’ll take a trip to the White House golf course and make some sub-par jokes (get it). Maybe they’ll phone Putin to come over and shoot a couple of puts on the golf course. Hey, Edward Snowden might just tag along for blackjack. Careful not to tell him your hand though. He’s a loudmouth, but he is a sucker for some Kissel. At the end of the day, we might not even shut down, but, if we do, you’ll know what the government is doing on shutdown day.

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