Krabby Patty Formula Discovered in Australia

By Pranesh Kumar, Staff Writer

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Archeological discoveries are always a big hit, especially in the fields of history and science. Whether it be uncovering a dinosaur’s skeleton or finding the remains of ancient ruins, new discoveries are always fascinating. Many major archaeological encounters have been made in recent times, but none even come close to the recent findings of two explorers in Australia.

Australia, as we all know, is a land that we are yet to know fully about. Its whereabouts have been deemed as “strange” compared to the rest of the continents and its true inner lands are rather new to us. Therefore, it comes as little surprise that, similar to the expeditions of Lewis and Clark, explorers are currently traversing the vast deserts to understand the true secrets of the “Land Down Under.” Two explorers, who just so happened to be named Ted and Phil, were participating in said expeditions when they encountered what no satellite could ever hope of finding. It was, of course, the secret Krabby Patty formula.

Though unknown by many, the Krabby Patty is actually a popular delicacy in Australia. The meal was adopted from the television series “Spongebob Squarepants” because of how popular and savory it was. Therefore, it is no surprise that enterprising businessmen across Australia have been searching for years to find the secret Krabby Patty Formula. Little did they know that its creator, unknown to the mortal world, could hide such a divine artifact so well. However, it was only a matter of time before the formula was found.

Ted and Phil found the Krabby Patty Formula folded inside a glass bottle. It was actually discovered after Ted tripped, and his shoelace got caught on a well hidden lever. Phil reported that after Ted’s stumble, he heard a strange clinking sound and the bottle fell from the sky. It radiated a strange glow and the opened bottle made all the nearby plantlife tremble. Both explorers immediately came to understand that their brand new discovery had the potential of being revolutionary. They could not only show the whole world that the Krabby Patty Formula was not in fact a myth, but they also could finally figure out what the secret ingredient really was.

The Krabby Patty formula was written in a strange dialect, forcing the two explorers to visit trained professionals in the art of decoding. After days of examining the ancient dialect that the Krabby Patty Formula was written in, experts from across the globe came to a consensus as to what the true message was on the ancient parchment. It read, “Whoever is gullible enough to find this and think this is the Krabby Patty Formula is foolish. Why would I, the God among all men and the conqueror of this galaxy, be silly enough to give away my secret ingredient?”

Now, to this day, archeologists are on a new mission. Their goal is to find who this “I” really is.

Moral of the story: The Krabby Patty Formula is a scam. Happy April Fools!

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