This article contains Avengers: Infinity War spoilers, but if you haven’t seen it yet, it’s your own fault. And how have you avoided spoilers for this long?!?

Last week, the Ubiquity published an article containing fan theories about Infinity War and what will happen in the next movie. However, these theories are all rubbish. As a member of the endangered species known as comic book readers (and not *those* people who occasionally watch videos about the comics), I will present the 100% true, verified, accurate prediction for next year’s mind-staggering Avengers movie.

Some fans have predicted that an obscure, Christ-like character named Adam Warlock will appear to defeat the prime antagonist, Thanos, in the next movie. Indeed, his cocoon appeared in the end credits scene of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. However, I’m here to tell you that Adam Warlock is not obscure enough. Everyone forgets that Thanos’s creator, Jim Starlin, who made these characters while under the influence in the 70s, also created Pip the Troll. Pip hung out with Gamora and Drax before they were even members of the Guardians of the Galaxy. He’s like those annoying 12-year-olds in the YouTube comments of Twenty One Pilots videos: the true fans from before “Stressed Out” played every half hour with its millennial whining. Pip may be a coward and a shameless alcoholic, but he has to be more useful than Vision was, right?

Another likely turn of events, and my personal favorite, is the heroes’ triumph thanks to none other than Howard the Duck. You know Howard, right? Before Iron Man, before Spider-Man, before even Blade, Howard was the first Marvel character to get his own movie. Directed by the Great One Himself, George Lucas, Howard the Duck debuted in 1986 to critical acclaim over its stellar dialogue and brilliant social commentary. Howard will be remembered as the most progressive movie of all time, containing a relationship between a girl and a nightmare-inducing Chuck E. Cheese reject duck animatronic. Howard has appeared in both Guardians of the Galaxy movies, so his universe must be connected with the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Thanos doesn’t stand a chance against Howard’s mastery of Quack Fu.

The last, and most obvious, solution to the heroes’ predicament is the return of Quicksilver. Fans used to complain that Marvel didn’t kill enough characters (they probably regret it now) but they seem to forget Quicksilver died. His sacrifice is more legendary than Demetra’s in Spy Kids 3D. Quicksilver seems to exist in a place between death and life because everyone forgets he even existed. There is no doubt that he is actually running so fast in the metaphysical plane that Death is unable to catch him. He is the fastest superhero of all time after all. The Flash is like a tortoise missing its depth perception and has weak legs compared to Quicksilver. Surely, he will finish off Thanos in the first thirty seconds of the next movie. The other two hours will consist of Rocket Raccoon and Groot remaking Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory for interstellar audiences.

I know you’re upset after reading this because the entire next movie is spoiled now. Maybe you should skip it and watch Howard the Duck instead.