Casey’s Survival Guide: United Airlines


Picture by Matthew Chartier

Since the beginning of our species, the human race has had to fight against the harsh environment of Earth. We have conquered the deserts of the Sahara, explored the rainforests of the Amazon, claimed the ice caps of the Arctic, and even taken our first steps into space. However, we now face a new frontier, more dangerous than any we have faced before. This new frontier, of course, is United Airlines.

Imagine this: suspended hundreds of feet in the air, surrounded by deadly and lethal security and flight attendants that want nothing more than the taste of your blood. However, you, the students of Quartz Hill, have nothing to fear. I, Casey Swafford, have created a new guide that will help you survive this Hell on Earth (or flying over Earth). So grab your boarding pass and survival knife, kids, because we are going to subdue the beast known as United Airlines.

Now, the first step to fighting United Airlines is to learn their tactics. By predicting their actions, you can surely escape from any UA predators. One trick that those pesky  “flight attendants” and “security guards” use is to ask if anyone would like to volunteer for anything. For the sake of your own life, do not fall for their trap. They are not asking you to volunteer; they are simply trying to spot the weak ones of the herd that they can pick out and devour.

So, to avoid being slowly beaten and digested by UA predators, make sure to crawl into a ball and wrap your head in one of those neat Skymall magazines in the back of the seats. By curling up, your chances of being spotted are dramatically reduced. By covering yourself with the Skymall magazine, you are camouflaging yourself into the environment, UA predators are not very perceptive, so camouflaging yourself increases your chances of not being spotted substantially. Of course, you also get to see cool deals on neat things, but it is mostly for survival purposes.

Now, in the chance that your clever camouflaging does not work, you must still have more tricks up your sleeve. What you need to do is pull out your phone and start recording while screeching at the top of your lungs. This should bring unwanted attention to the UA predators, which is what they fear the most, more than any other predator. This is due to the fact that media attention usually means the end of their careers, and this will leave them without money to pay for food and other necessities.

Well, there you go. With these survival tips, you should have enough knowledge to survive the dangerous territory known as United Airlines. By following each step, not only will you survive, but you will also thrive in the harsh environment. So, fellow adventurers, good luck with your explorations, and stay safe out there.