(THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND DOES NOT REPRESENT THE POLITICAL VIEWS OF ANY CANDIDATE)

Combat sports are one of the oldest forms of sport known to man. Similarly, democracy and voting are fairly old concepts as well. Furthermore, Chess is also a pretty old form of mental battling (still not as old as Morgan Freeman, though). Finally, the concept of “York” is also quite old, as the new one is significantly outdated. How do all of these relate to one another? Well, the New York Mayoral election is coming up on the 4th, and instead of doing that whole “Voting” thing, I thought that a far better usage of everyone’s time would be a chess boxing match between the 2 (3, I guess technically) candidates. But why chess boxing? Well, because I think that it is the most accurate measure of a mayoral candidate’s ability to lead New York. Chess boxing also consists of alternating 3-minute periods of chess and boxing.

Let’s start with our pre-round interview for the first candidate, Republican Nominee Curtis Sliwa! 

Tell me, Mr. Sliwa, what do you think will help you win this chess boxing match? 

Mr Sliwa said, “Well, I think that I would win because uhhh I used to do something or other related to crime or whatever as like a vigilante sort of deal back in my youth.”

Thank you, Mr. Sliwa!

Now let’s interview Democratic nominee Zohran Mamdani!

Mr. Mamdani said, “I will do whatever it takes to fight for the city of New York, and I will win this Chess Boxing Match.” 

Thank you, Mr. Mamdani!

What’s this? A third challenger appears!? It’s Andrew Cuomo (even though he didn’t win any party nomination…)

Now let’s interview Mr. Cuomo! 

Mr. Cuomo said, “This commie mamdamani guy is real bad news for New York…anyways I’ll win because… uhhh…” 

(Mr. Cuomo did not finish his thought.)

Let’s move on to the fight now! The fight will only be Mr. Mamdani vs. Mr. Cuomo, as Mr. Sliwa said he had to attend to other business. Mr Mamdani opens up with a beautiful king’s pawn opening, and Cuomo follows it up with the same. Cuomo did take a long time, so it’s on to boxing now! Mamdani opens the boxing portion with a massive uppercut, which knocks Cuomo to the mat. Cuomo does not get up after the 10 count, giving Mamdani the win! 

Tell me, Mr. Mamdani, how does your win feel?

“It feels really good, it’s just one small win in my upcoming mountain of wins for New Yorkers.”