Everyone probably has that one special bald guy they look up to immensely. For example, my Bald Idol is Billy Corgan because he makes solid music. However, haven’t you, dear reader, ever thought to yourself, “Man, I wonder who the world’s best bald person is?” And that’s why the Bald Guy Showdown was started by the first bald person, Vladimir Lenin, to see who was truly the best Bald Person. This is the Bald Guy Showdown. (Bald Guy Showdown also rolls off the tongue a little better than Bald Person Showdown, even though Bald Person Showdown is a little bit more correct.)

What is the Bald Guy Showdown, though? The Bald Guy Showdown is a 6-person dance tournament between 6 of today’s most famous bald people, with an initial 2v2 free-for-all round to help thin the numbers a little bit better. It’s a dance tournament, as the bald head helps the fighters/dancers hit more moves, as they can spin on their head as another surface for dance moves. It happens every 100 years on the 25th year of the century. Vladimir Lenin started it on his deathbed, with his final words being, “Man, I wish there was a showdown… a bald guy showdown.” The fighters for this century’s Bald Guy Showdown will be: Shaq, The Rock, Kanye, Cynthia Erivo, Samuel L. Jackson, and Vin Diesel. The initial pairings for the 2v2 free-for-all Round are Kanye and the Rock, Samuel L. Jackson and Vin Diesel, and Cynthia Erivo and Shaq.

The 2v2 round begins with the stage set to Sugar on My Tongue by Tyler, the Creator, as he is spiritually represented by a bald figure. Kanye and The Rock hit some sick moves early on in the 2v2 round, but Kanye is eventually out-danced by both of the other duos, knocking him and The Rock out early. The 2v2 free-for-all round isn’t done yet though, not until another duo is knocked out. Samuel L. Jackson hits a sick spin move on his head, with Vin Diesel using his special Family move. Vin Diesel calls in a multitude of backup dancers who all look similar enough to Vin Diesel, all backing him up with his moves. It isn’t enough, though, as Shaq hits an even COOLER spin move on his head, with the pure aura of the spin move being enough to knock both Vin Diesel and Samuel L. Jackson out of the running.

The final 1v1 round is now, with the soundtrack being Bald! by JPEGMAFIA. Cynthia Erivo is at a slight advantage here, as Shaq was still a little fatigued from the spin move he had just hit. Both dancers/fighters also had their ultimate ability charged up. Cynthia Erivo gains even more of an advantage upon the (now recovered) Shaq. In a final push to win THE Bald Guy Showdown, Shaq hits his ultimate move, which summons a giant basketball hoop out of the ground, hitting an INSANE dunk on Cynthia Erivo to win him the Bald Guy Showdown. In a post-fight interview, Shaq stated,” Man, maybe the real Bald Guy Showdown was the friends we made along the way.”