String cheese was invented by the U.S. government in the 1930s to transform the American population into mind-controlled people tearing soldiers. If you have eaten one tube of string cheese, you are now a sleeper agent, ready to be summoned by the U.S. The string cheese is able to do this because it was the same cheese in the cheese caves.

Long ago, the moon crashed down to Earth in Springfield Missouri. This moon was made out of cheese, but not just any cheese, mind breaking moon cheese. Animals who ate this cheese entered into a trance, and became subservient to anything commanding them. This cheese has been used by many leaders to command armies, such as Hitler, or Nickelodeon. After long enough, the U.S. built a containment shelter around the moon cheese, creating fake conspiracies to cover it up. They even staged a moon landing for this, but it was pretty obviously fake.

But why would the U.S want their people to eat the cheese, and why make the cheese into pullable tubes? Because string cheese trains the body into ripping apart humans. Once the government gives the code word, the cheese will make everyone subservient and also train them to use a tearing motion. Imagine being on the frontlines, and 3,000 civilians charging at you, you can only shoot so much before they break through, and tear apart your fellow soldiers, weapons, and defenses.

But why haven’t other countries tried to stop America from doing this? Because other countries have their own cheese. The moon cheese was enormous, the size of at least five fake moons. Thankfully, it split up in Earth’s atmosphere, still crashing down and killing all the dinosaurs, but not destroying the entire planet. However, this meant that other continents had moon cheese deposits, and now they are using this cheese in the same way the U.S is. Some have even more dangerous cheeses, where instead of ripping the cheese then eating it to train for ripping humans, they shoot the cheese, or explode the cheese.

I am making this to warn you. If you have eaten the cheese, it might already be over. But if you know someone that hasn’t, tell them everything, and if you haven’t, prepare for a worldwide apocalypse.